Recognizing Each Season in This Series Called: “Your Life”

The First Episodes, Finales and Themes

Have you ever been hyper aware of the exact moment in which a season of the show that is your life is ending?

Perhaps you look over at a specific street sign or you watch a sunset in a familiar place or you hear the chorus of a certain song, and suddenly, *boom* credits roll for episode ten : finale episode of season 3, ‘The Life of ___’. 

Confrontation.

I was on the tram one day, looking out of the window. And I saw a street I’d never noticed before (even though I take that tram almost everyday). I was on my way to have a talk with a loved one, which I knew was going to be “the talk” that would end the relationship. And it all hit me at that moment, in this sort of cosmically clever way, that this season of the show of my life was about to roll the credits. I could almost see them in front of my eyes. “Cast, special thanks, guest appearances, etc. and God as the writer and editor.”

I do have this theory though. Since you’re the main character in your show, you get vague intuitions and hints when the season is wrapping up. It will start to become more and more undeniable after some time, though. The hints start to become more harsh to push you towards acceptance. And of course we don’t want any good tv show to end prematurely or to go on too long past its prime to where you are no longer getting anything out of it. 

If it goes on too long, things just stop evolving. Things don’t go horribly wrong anymore but they don't go right either. They just stop working because this set is no longer getting updates, no longer getting maintenance to keep it running smoothly. You're supposed to move on to the next level now. Some people hold on too long, and some forever. I do believe in free will and that you can stay in something you're not meant to stay in, but then I think you never reach your destiny, you sort of stop learning anything new. It becomes a painful existence. Wasted potential is the scariest thing to me.

Typically ‘G-d’ does help you in a way though, with the acceptance of it all. Most of the time you can feel it coming. You’re given signs and quiet whispers at night which leave remnants of themselves on your pillow in the morning. Remnants which you quickly inhale back from where they came, due to the shock and denial of something so precious to you having the ability to dissolve. 

When somethings gonna be over soon, you just know. You just feel it coming. Usually you deny it at first, but it persists. There’s almost no stopping its eventual end. But it gives you time, that’s why it starts to nudge you in an uncomfortable direction. You fear it, deny it, refuse it, but all the while it’s in the back of your mind, getting more and more cozy and making space. Eventually you lean into acceptance, in the perfect timing, with ease. All because you were being prepared for it little by little. 

You can let go of that old portrait you have in your mind of your life, holding on so tightly to what it all means. Burn it, let it dissolve in the waters of forgiveness and growth. Don’t be afraid. If something’s meant to come back into your life again, or if something new is meant to take its place, a new portrait will emerge. Make room for the blank canvas. 

After the closing of a chapter, there comes this new phase. One full of an abundance of opportunities but also so much confusion. Time to relax, yet also time to prepare. I call it the ‘writers room’ phase. This is the space between two seasons. Where the writers and the cast take a short break and think of new ideas, preparing for the next round of shooting the new season. 

This space is really sacred and also really free. You can do so much here but you can also become stuck for a while, putting too much pressure on the decision making process. This is a space where second chances can emerge, healing takes place, rebounds and rebellions in abundance. It’s a very unique place, bursting at the seams with options. Don't worry though, the weight of the decisions are not completely on your head. You can choose to take charge, if that's what you feel called to do, or just dance with the writers, letting them be inspired by your movements and personal flow. Writing a monument to you which will fit your measurements perfectly.

Take time to create and truly put forth the feelings you wish to pursue, and they will be written into the new script. Recharge, and make plenty of messy mistakes during this time, figure out what works and what doesn't. This is a rare period in life, only happening in the in between moments, every so often, don't take it for granted.

The beginnings of new seasons are certainly more elusive than their ending counterparts. For me, I don't really see them as clearly until later on in the season, or even not until after the season has been over for a while. I typically know when I am in a new season and can also understand the theme of the new season generally early in the process. But pinpointing the actual beginning is more of a mystery to be solved with hindsight.

I would say I can now pinpoint a beginning to my ‘current’ season I am in though, (but maybe that's also because it just seemingly ended, which I will talk about in a moment). But maybe the beginning can become known after the theme is known. And then you can see which moment that theme had become truly relevant and apparent to you. The theme, or the title, of the season I'm in now (or maybe not anymore as of yesterday), is called “How to Make Suffering Your Friend”, which I have also already written an entire essay on here: How to Make Suffering Your Friend ←(click here)

I noticed the theme emerge to me at a specific moment. Which I would now call the first moment of the first episode of that new season. I talk all about this moment in the essay I just mentioned above, but basically, I was in Romania on a camping trip. The weather was freezing, it was constantly raining, I had just broken up with my partner I lived with, I was on my period without any period products and I was physically miserable. But I was walking down this pathway, dissociating out of my mind, and just started laughing. And I said “Wow! I'm suffering right now! Wow, I'm alive!” and it all just sort of clicked to me at that moment. How my suffering made everything seem even more real to me. How I could find out how to utilize my suffering in a positive way, making it my ally and my friend. Instead of an enemy, constantly battling over the ownership of the real estate of my mind. (Please read my other essay to get a full scope of what I'm talking about here, if interested).

And so, yesterday I was sitting alongside a canal in Amsterdam, in my special little spot that no one knows about. I always go there to get inspiration and talk to G-d. I was looking at the water and had the urge to write part of this essay. The part about just knowing when a season is about to end and how you get hints for a long time before, and finally feeling ready when the time actually comes. I’ve been feeling this one preparing me for a while now. For something new. I was so scared at first, in denial, but now I'm ready.

And then there was this truly “credit rolling” moment again, just like the tram moment in my earlier story.

I was walking back to my apartment when I saw a sign on the canal that I’d never noticed before. For some reason this sign felt so significant to me of an ending. It physically stopped me in my tracks, just staring at it. It showed two arrows, one pointing forward, one pointing backwards and they had a circle around them and were crossed out. Sort of like, there's no turning back here and there's no forward momentum either, it’s time for something new. It's time to move on.

I immediately opened my notes app to write something down. When I finished writing the note, I saw it was exactly 4:22 pm (my favorite number). I looked up from my phone and saw a dragonfly in the window of an apartment ahead of me. I was wearing (and wear everyday), a necklace with the number 22 on it as well as a dragonfly necklace and a dragonfly ring. This number and the symbol of the dragonfly has been extremely significant and special for me for years now. So this moment felt just.. right.

Today, two years ago, (22/2/22) I got my visa to stay in the Netherlands after so much hard work. And today I write this essay, and my visa expires. I started my period, and it’s a new moon. It's an ending and it’s a beginning. And it’s all leaving off on quite a cliffhanger. Can’t wait to see what comes next.

And here's what I wrote down in my notes app right after I saw the sign with the arrows, and right before I saw the 22 and the dragonfly. 

 “A sign I haven’t noticed before appears right before I go. Thank you. 

Goodbye.”

And they said goodbye back.

And I departed.